Digging Deeper with Brene Brown

I’m reading The Gifts of Imperfection for the first time in several years. In the first chapter she talks about her “dig deep” button. The inner will to push through and carry on. Which leads to burn out.

So she came up with an acronym. Deliberate – pray, meditate, or state intentions. Inspired – get inspired to make a change. Going – take action.

Old me would pull a tarot card or do a reading for myself, so that’s prayer and meditation rolled into one. The cards would inspire me to take action.

I was feeling lost. Ever since I went manic and acted mean for years, I’ve felt lost. So I asked the cards, who am I?

I pulled The Empress. The Empress has always come up for me, since I was 13 with my first tarot deck. The Mother. The Nurturer.

I used to believe there was too much bad in the world, so I would only contribute good. But I didn’t see my own mistakes. When I was angry and didn’t know what to say, I would use my behavior to express my upset. I would refuse hugs, for example. As an adult.

I think being diagnosed autistic four years ago has given me clarity into my faults. Some of them are unchangeable, just the way my brain works. Others are embarrassing, because I realize I didn’t raise myself properly.

If I didn’t understand a rule, I broke it. If I felt bad, I acted out. If I felt strongly, everyone knew it.

Now I’m reading the books that helped me feel healed and whole before 2020. I can face my shame and embrace new ways of thinking about my behavior. I can learn how to apologize when I feel bad without spiraling.

I can learn who I am, now.