In hindsight, I finally figured out my last 2023 conversation with T (green dot.)
She was referring to behavior I’d already forgotten – because that’s how my brain works.
She then got mad and told me off because I wasn’t hiding my frustration. I told them I was grieving and having a hard time, but that’s no excuse for mean words.
Alexethymia is no excuse for not thinking about how my friends feel about my written thoughts and opinions before posting them.
And the self-appointed expert on how people with brains like mine in the special Ed courses she spent a good portion of her life teaching…she pissed me off.
And I realized, I didn’t have to put up with that shit.
And since N (red) was losing her shit on a regular basis at anyone who annoyed her, even me..
And because I needed us all to talk together so I could be sure I understood what was going on, and could anchor myself in the shared reality instead of just my own…
But I could not express that while being told I’m a bad friend and a victim and mentally ill (uh-like I keep that a secret?)
So T owes me an apology as much as I owe her one, but I don’t care.
I hate those stupid emotional manipulation games. I don’t need an apology. I choose not to play.
In 2020, I stretched myself so thin trying to protect T and L from TARKetc, L from T’s short temper, A from my short temper, L from the RARKetc…and K had no idea. I would say I protected him too, but it was me shutting down when he finally got home, and retreating to the floor by my bed in the dark, crying until I was tired enough to crawl in bed and sleep.
In 2023, I was still recovering from losing my sense of self and my faith in myself. I was grieving the loss of my Dad who I had just finally made up with and understood when he went in for the surgery. Grieving my lost relationships with my siblings.
And through all of that, since 2019, I was also trying to protect N from T. First I tried to include T in the conversation, but he wasn’t interested.
And here, T, is what makes you wrong for that. We could only hear N’s side, never having a complete picture of what happened, and therefore unable to be truly helpful
When I said we were N’s minions, that’s what I meant. Only hearing her side made us incompetent helpers – minions.
But you burst into tears and that means I’m attacking you?
No.
It means you are upset. I didn’t cause your upset, your thoughts did.
I wasn’t writing in my blog thinking “I’m going to hurt them all! Muwahahaha!” I went to my blog to work out my thoughts because I couldn’t have the conversation i needed to.
If I had been given time to figure out what to say, instead of being told off, I wouldn’t have blocked any of you and I would have apologized to all of you.
Turns out my sister and I didn’t need to talk about what happened in 2022. We just decided to love each other again.
My sister of the heart used to be able do that too.
I miss her.
Adventures of an Earthborn Alien 