Before I Knew I Was Autistic…

I used to believe so many things, before I figured out I was autistic, before the diagnosis.

I believed I suffered so I could help others heal.

I believed I was psychic because I’d given thousands of readings over the decades, and smashed it out of the park for all but a handful that I can remember that went poorly.

I believed vaccines can kill because people I looked up to and respected believed it, and shared their research with me, and I didn’t think to look on JSTOR for myself. College seems like another lifetime.

I believed if someone upset me so much that I lost my shit, they were bad for me, so I’d ghost them.

Every close friend except a handful eventually ghosted me.

Dad told me I withheld love when I was mad.

I didn’t understand.  He said I’d refuse to give HUGS.

I remember, it was one time. And he’d said something that hurt me, and I hid it except I dodged his hug.  I couldn’t accept a hug after the verbal punch to the gut he didn’t know he’d given me.

Don’t punish or ignore your kids when they cry.  They need help feeling loved and safe.  I got spanked for crying or showing negative emotions.

So I learned to never show how I feel, always be sweet, never complain, hide my true feelings and perform so others felt safe and comfortable around me.

Heaven forbid I meltdown in front of someone who says they love me.

I tell you I am autistic and autistic people meltdown. It’s not an excuse, it’s a physiological response to sensory and emotional overwhelm.  It’s normal for autistic brains to overwhelm themselves in this loud, bright, restless, mean, impatient, intolerant world.

I don’t deserve to be stonewalled.  But neither did the people I did it to.

It’s just a pattern I performed but didn’t see.  It’s hard to see a pattern from the inside.

Especially when it’s physiologically driven, and not consciously.