What I think happened, after a few weeks reflection

She said she thought we were being triggered by each other, and two of the others were IMing with me privately at the same time.

I wanted us all to talk together as a group so I could understand better, but no one wanted to, I guess.

I felt unheard, frustrated, and was grieving Dad and what happened when my siblings visited.  I said I was having a hard time, by which I meant I was not in a space where I could deal with someone else’s feelings.

I tried to explain how I felt and got yelled at for something I said at least four hours earlier, and then I realized I hadn’t heard from my sis of the heart in a couple days.

After the cease and desist text, which I took as a big slap in the face…a nice big f me even I couldn’t miss…

And then to be told one’s training lets her understand how people like me and people with Downs Syndrome think, because those two are related??

Anyway, I felt betrayed, and attacked.  Since no one was telling me what I’d done or said, I had no idea anyone was upset until everyone was mad at me for days.

I’m autistic.

I don’t know you are upset if you don’t tell me!

And to be told I was out of control, like I was bad…fuck that.

That was why we started the support group – because her husband was making her feel bad for melting down.

And now, she’s just like him. Making fun of me for not understanding how my tone came across – hello, what is autism? You have an autistic teen…why the hell wouldn’t you want to be on top of his needs. Or mine?

I’m always there for her, but she’s not herself anymore.  When one of the group said he’s always known her to be a yeller, I agreed for a second and then I went…wait.

No she doesn’t. Not before her current relationship.  I don’t remember her yelling at anyone before him, though it must have happened sometimes.

People who aren’t autistic play these apology games.  Guess what you need to apologize for, and how bad you should feel about the terrible thing you said or did that hurt their feelings so badly they couldn’t talk to you about it until they cried for hours first…

See, in our house, we don’t punish each other for our feelings.  If I lose it, I apologize while I’m losing it. Even my six year old understands and believes me, that I’m just overwhelmed and need quiet time.

That’s the kind of unconditional love and care I gave in that group.  But that’s not what I got back.

I got told I was a bad friend with no context other than reported 4 hours of crying.  I got thoroughly insulted several times before I blocked her.  I got the cease and desist bitch slap text, and blocked her and her husband.

I felt deceived and stupid as fuck for thinking they were really my friends.

And then I realized my sister if the heart hadn’t interacted with me on Facebook in a couple days.  Waiting for me to notice her lack of attention.

I get told I am out of control by the person who should have come to me in the first place, who should have known me better, if only the real her would wake the fuck up and take her power back from the misogynistic pig who has said much worse and done much worse than me calling him that…

I can’t watch him destroy her anymore.

It hurts too much to see someone I love turn into someone I no longer recognize.

I would be there in a second if I believed I was helping.

But when I said we were her minions, I was trying to describe how we have been supporting her with only her side of the story, because the other two were not talking to us.

Thus, we could not have a full clear picture.  We could only respond to what we got from her, and we could only tell her what she wanted to hear. That’s what I meant.  I have no idea why it was taken as an attack, and I should not have to defend myself from my fucking support group.

I wasn’t helping her anymore than I was helping Tarah.  And she was taking me for granted.  Instead of trying to understand me, she avoided me.

For three years I’ve been helping her recover from rejection sensitive dysphoria, and then she treats me like I’m the new bad guy.

Worse, she treats the other woman like Tarah treated me.

This is not an attack.  It is an observation.

Are we really friends if I can’t tell you what I see, without being accused of attacking?

If I’m wrong, cool, let’s talk about it.

But it’s not cool.  To them. I’m a bad friend.  No context about what I did that was so bad, and I deleted my blog posts when I started to feel nervous and gaslighted.

I don’t know what I said in them, but I know I was feeling confused and alone when I wrote them, not angry or mean. 

Anyway, I got overwhelmed, frustrated, and I threw my hands in the air and decided to cut ties so I can’t unintentionally hurt them anymore.

I don’t care about hurting Tarah because she stole from us, used us, abused me, took every advantage, called CPS and the police on us at least twice, if not three times now.  I know I can’t hurt Tarah, she never loved me.  She just loved all I did for her.

And when she’d convinced me my husband didn’t love me, never had…I will never forgive that.  I will never forgive her driving me to meltdown at my kid, and then leave us in disgust because of my behavior.

No amount of teaching her about mental illness, CO regulation, neurodiversity, ADHD, autism, she wasn’t listening. She didn’t care. She had no respect for us.

But because I went through that, and the psychosis following my 40th birthday…I have forgiven myself.  I understand myself.  I have the correct diagnosis and treatment now.

My husband and I are the closest we’ve ever been. Our kids are happy and healthy.  Our life is peaceful and happy. No matter how much I melted down when I had high stress and no support, I am still a good person.  Still a sweetheart.

But no longer a pushover.

Actually, I’m afraid to make new friends, and to reconnect with old ones.

Rejection hurts, and I’m tired of it.

I’ll keep my circle as small as I have to so I feel safe.

I’m my best self when I feel safe and secure.