You have now been warned. Bloody hell ahead.
I hate cramps. Having kids gave me the worst cramps, no. It was the damn copper IUD, that gave me the worst cramps. And gods it was torture getting it in!
Ever since I got it, in 2009, after having Aiden, I have had the most painful cramps every erratic cycle. I had hoped the last one was, you know, THE last one.
But alas, I am only 42. Grandma had Gary when she was my age. There is no hope for me of an early menopause. I look just like her. Even where my fat sits.
Hope I don’t get colon cancer…but I didn’t marry a smoking coal miner, so my chances are a bit lower, maybe.
There, probably all done with the TMI. Suffice it to say, I have much pain and bloody mess to clean up this morning. Sigh
I was diagnosed PMDD by the psychiatrist who failed to notice my weight loss until I’d dropped 80 pounds despite seeing me in person twice a month because he also treated my kid…
Anyhoo, I had a bad hypomanic/manic/mixed episode, worsened by my friends taking my words and behavior personally instead of using their words and working with me to help me communicate more effectively with them.
I tried to tell them so hard. But all I did was make them hurt and mad and finally run me off because I’m not worth patience or grace to them, no matter how much patience or grace I’ve practiced in my life.
I have to be able to switch out of my hyperfocus to focus on their needs while grieving and feeling lost, alone, betrayed, and ganged up on, not to mention so fucking let down.
And sharing my feelings and even apologizing and dismissing my own needs and feelings didn’t make any of them feel better or start caring to hear my pain yet. Or my frustration – that was bullying and abusing.
And now, technically I cursed them. But only the ones I blocked. The rest of them hurt me too, but I’m not that high up on their lists. I get it.
And I was being a bitch, and couldn’t hear that, as I was reeling in my RSD spirals all by my lonesome. And talking myself up publically got me scolded way too late.
I wish I’d been able to feel less ganged up on and rejected quicker, but I’m only human, and I am done giving grace and getting stonewalled and accused of being a bad friend after I already said I was in a bad place and I don’t know why I have to explain that all my skills, especially including my emotional regulation and cognitive abilities, decline under stress, like all humans… but especially humans wired like me.
Telling me all I do is play the victim and I can’t blame my autism for my bitchy nature was not helpful. Telling me you want the sweet me back by hurting me, and punishing me for saying mean things by ignoring me did not alert me to what I was doing.
I was hurting and trying to feel better so I could think, and then I was ashamed and lost and could no longer think.
Yesterday it all caught up with me. Yesterday lasted from 5am Friday to 10ishpm Saturday when I finally fell asleep, through a migraine.
Too late, but it’s fine.
I need to keep mentally healthy thoughts in my head, and to avoid triggers.
The women I blocked are triggers.
Cave time.
Adventures of an Earthborn Alien 